The Last Meeting of the First Fifty Club, Scene 4

(Larry is briefly alone.  He takes a clean spoon to taste the risotto and ladles more broth into the pot.  Barbara enters, runs around the counter, puts her arms around Larry’s head and pulls down.)

BUNNY

Lean down, scrumptious, and let me plant one on ya!  (She kisses him on the forehead, the nose, and the mouth.)  When are you gonna dump Miss Tall, Dark, and Princeton and run away we me?  Huh?

LARRY

As soon as you’re ready to leave the loser with the Lexus.

BUNNY

I’m ready now—it’s only a KIA this month.

LARRY

Really?  How are they?

BUNNY

No, no, no! No car talk tonight. It’s a rule. One night a month—no cars.

LARRY

You got it, Babs!

BUNNY

You never call me Bunny.

LARRY

You’d rather I call you Bunny?

BUNNY

God, no! I’m sick of being Bunny. Babs is fine. Barbara would be even better.

LARRY

OK, Barbara.  Why?

BUNNY

I used to be fine with Bunny. My Papa named me Bunny. I useta love Andy calling me Bunny. And then I heard Karen’s boyfriend talking on his cellphone.  And he was saying, “Can you believe it, her name’s Bunny!” And the way he laughed, I knew he was saying , “Isn’t that a gas--an old broad like that, called Bunny.”  And all at once, it felt like every time people called me Bunny they were secretly snickering.  (She gestures to the freezer section of the fridge.)  Is it . . .

LARRY

Of  course!  You don’t think I’d forget?  Seven to one.  Onions in the fridge.  Toothpicks on the table.

BUNNY

(She Removes a jelly jar of clear liquid and a chilled martini glass from the freezer, onions from the fridge and sits at the counter to build her Gibson.  Then returns jar to the freezer.  It’s a BIG martini.)

LARRY

How are the children?

BUNNY

Nope! No kid talk either. OK. Charlie’s got an internship in the city and Chelsea’s building habitats for humanity with Jimmy Carter over break and then going to Nicaragua in the summer to work in a free clinic. How are yours?

LARRY

Fine. Working. Happy. You’ll have to ask Laura. She talks to them more often than I do.

BUNNY

Why is that?

LARRY

Because she calls them. I don’t believe in hovering. Besides Jared thinks I don’t approve of him wasting a Harvard MBA on a specialty bicycle company.  Tommy calls when he thinks that filial obligation requires it.

BUNNY

And how do you feel about the bicycle thing.

LARRY

Fine! He loves it and if they succeed in designing the next big thing he’ll be part of it.  And if they don’t he’s learning management from the ground up.

BUNNY

So why don’t you tell him that?!

LARRY

Because it’s much better for him if he thinks he’s acting in the teeth of my disapproval.

BUNNY

Jesus! Men! (She drains her glass, chugs and swallows all four onions at the end.) Well that’s one dead soldier!

LARRY

(Surprised she’s finished the drink already. Hesitantly.) Do you want another?

BUNNY

Hell, yes!  (She gets the jar from the freezer, brings it to the counter, pours another and throws in a handful of onions.) Gin is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

LARRY

Bunny! Those are seven to one.  Are you all right?

BUNNY

Sure, aren’t I always?

LARRY

Bunny, I’ve always said you have an extraordinary mind.

BUNNY

Damn straight!  I’m glad there’s someone who appreciates that.  (She drains her glass and reaches for the jar.) So . . . how are you doing?

                                                      LARRY

I’m fine. Same old, same old.

                                                       BUNNY

Larry, I’ve spent years venting about all of my problems year after year. It’s OK if you feel like doing a little venting.  I mean . . . I’m here for you..

LARRY

(Silence.)  Oh, sure. But how are you, really? Are you fine?

BUNNY

Oh, hell. No. I’m really scared and I don’t know what I’m gonna do and I’m drinkin’ so I won’t cry or maybe so I won’t get hysterical. I don’t know.

LARRY

Well, why don’t you hold off on the martini and eat a little something and tell me what’s wrong.

BUNNY

You made cheese straws.

LARRY

I did.

BUNNY

Just for me?

LARRY

Just for you.

BUNNY

(She takes the plate of cheese straws and brings it to the counter and starts eating them rather compulsively.)  Good, best ever.

LARRY

Barbara. . .

BUNNY

We’re broke and I’m not supposed to know.

LARRY

Has Andy lost his job?

BUNNY

No.  The recession hit us really hard.  Our house was under water for awhile and we couldn’t get a refi.  And cars weren’t selling for about four years there.  The only reason they kept him on is that he’s the best salesman they’ve got.  Now cars are having a really good year and we should be catching up but he just refuses to economize.

                                                               LARRY

He lose a lot on the stock market?

BUNNY

Jesus, no! Thank God we had nothing to invest. You can’t lose most of nothing. Until five years ago I never really paid attention to money. He handles it all—I use plastic.   And you know him and toys. Big plasma screen TVs and a walk-in wine cellar. A wine cellar! He can’t tell a pinot from Dr. Pepper. But the economy tanks and I started worrying. But I just trusted him. So, now that that he was selling better I wanted to know how we were doing. I sneaked into the checkbook and his bill file. We’re not just broke, we’re really in debt and he just keeps spending.  Last week I made mac and cheese and he got pissed off and made me throw it out and took me out to eat.  He ordered lobster!  He used to love my mac and cheese! It’s like now that the economy’s doing better he’s ashamed for me to know we’re in the weeds.

                                                         LARRY

I don’t know what to say.

                                                         BUNNY

Nothing to say. Take these away from me before I spoil my dinner. She hands him the plate of cheese straws as Andy bursts in.)   Larry, you know if you ever need to talk about anything . . .